Mid-life crisis…at 24

why is it so hard to convince someone that you love them? … why do they always have to ask for a valid reason for them to believe you? … is it just you who lacks the power to convince them? … or is it just your past that haunts them…making them doubt of what you really feel about them?… so does loving unconditionally is just a cliche?? … i just hope that once you’ve expressed your feelings to someone and told them how you really feel, i hope they believe you…. we don’t need a reason to love someone… coz the person itself is the reason… and this is what i want you to know…

I cannot promise you that
I will not change
I cannot promise you that
I will not have many different moods
I cannot promise you that
I will not hurt your feelings sometimes
I cannot promise you that
I will not be erratic
I cannot promise you that
I will always be strong
I cannot promise you that
my faults will not show
But -
I do promise you that
I will always be supportive of you
I do promise you that
I will share all my thoughts
and feelings with you
I do promise you that
I will give you freedom to be yourself
I do promise you that
I will understand everything that you do
I do promise you that
I will be completely honest with you
I do promise you that
I will laugh and cry with you
I do promise you that
I will help you achieve all your goals
But -
most of all
I do promise you that
I WILL LOVE YOU

I love you more honey!

haha!!! things i knew that i didn’t know before…these are all from friendster…obviously i wasn’t checking ppl’s lives for so long now

1. i have a friend here in friendster who’s married and has a kid already…i mean…i know ppl put married on their profiles just for fun but i was surprised when i looked at this certain someone’s pic that he has a baby!!!!how cute… oh well…congrats to leo niel for the cute baby :))

2. i also found out that a again a certain girl is preggy…i think everybody is except for me ( just joking!) oh well…i was just surprised again that she is…i mean i’m that lost with my friends? oh well… to tyn and the dad-to-be of her kid…congrats again

3. I also saw that there’s a couple of my friends who broke…i’m not sure though but the pics of their "somebody’s" are missing from their profiles…so i guess i have to clear this up before i can tell who they are

4. Another thing is…nikki lost her email add so she can’t open her friendster account…poor thing…i told her not to change e-adds so often…there…she forgot it

5. funny thing is…bcasue of the previous post…janice thought that me and sonny broke up and that’s the reason why she kaept calling me like everyday for a week and thinking that i would tell her whatever problem i have if she talk to me for a long time even if she’s feeling sleepy already…haha!!! that one is funny…oh well..ti clear up everything…we’re still together

6. girly’s still sick…hope she gets well soon…

7. lastly…my parents left for q8 again and i’m missing them terribly…waah!!! i have two weeks to whine and be depressed…m always like that…after that…m free!!! :))

8. LASTLY!!! FINALLY!!! we got a place in PONDEROSA LEISURE FARMS in Silang, Cavite….WOW!!! ABSOLUTELY STUNNING!!! i’ve loved that place the first time i saw it…gladly we now have a place there… :))

Now I have an idea why people make such a big deal about EXES.

Y’know… stuff like, getting over the ex. Dealing with the ex. Being friends with the ex. Being the ex.

I am an ex.

I know that it’s stupid — and silly — to sound as if my whole life revolved around being somebody’s ex girlfriend. But I can’t help it…that title packs a pretty strong punch. I am now an official member of the "loved-and-lost" club. And while it’s a title I don’t exactly want, I have to admit that it does say some things about me.

I am an ex. I once loved someone who loved me back. But he didn’t want to stay… So I had to let him go. I cried. A lot. I spent countless nights wondering what went wrong, I’d reminisce about our happy times, then break down when I’d realize that he was no longer mine. I analyzed every single detail of our breakup. I wrote long e-mails to my closest friends. I talked endlessly about my situation. I spent my nights in tearful telephone conversations and my days in daydreams where we’d end up in each other’s arms again. Sometimes he was still my angel, still my precious king who I’d do anything for just to have back. But sometimes, I saw him as the devil incarnate who broke my heart in the worst possible way, and who deserved to be horsewhipped at the very least.

I told myself that it was all for the better. That this was what was best for the both of us. That this was God’s plan. My friends offered similar advice, none of which I hadn’t heard before: "It’s a sign that you’re not meant for each other," "When God closes a door, He opens a window,"
"Someone better is coming for you," "There are so many other fish in the sea," etc. But it didn’t work. Because deep down, I still believed that he was the one,the only one. And I couldn’t understand how this was all for the better… when every day seemed more torturous than the last… not being able to be with him the way I wanted to be, seeing him so unaffected, and dealing with my broken-and-smashed heart and my bruised ego. I tried to immerse myself in other activities to forget about him. I went out a lot. I filled my schedule with movie marathons, Gimiks, barkada nights,etc. It worked for a while… but then there were times — times when my mind was cleared of the busy thoughts I tried to occupy it with — that I would think of him. His memory would sneak up to me on tiptoes, catching me in my most vulnerable moments.

I tried to show the world that I was OK. That I was over him. That it was fine just being friends. I didn’t go around with a big "X" on my forehead, nor did I go around with puffy eyes and a tissue box. I tried to live my life as I knew it before I met him. People thought that I was doing great. They heard me laugh and they saw me smile; I seemed happy, they said; and I told myself that I was. But in the solace of my room, where I tried to organize my thoughts and sort out my feelings, I had to admit to myself that I wasn’t truly happy. Because I was still yearning for someone, and my heart still ached for something that could not be.

Surprisingly, things have gotten better. I’ve changed. Somewhere along the way, I realized that he wasn’t the only one out there for me. I also realized that there were valid, powerful reasons why we split up. And I’ve become stronger,older, wiser. He’s changed as well — when I look at him, sometimes I still see the boy I fell in love with. Sometimes I think that he’s the same person… he still has the same cute smile and mischievous charm that I fell for, and I
like to believe that the rest of his is unchanged as well. But then I take a closer look and I realize that he HAS changed… that I don’t know him anymore, not really… not enough to love and care for him as I once did.

I am an ex. I’ve loved and lost. I’ve cried tears for the things that were and that could have been. I’ve wrestled with intense feelings of love and hate, of jealousy, of frustration. I’ve simultaneously taken down and brought up my pride. I’ve tried to rebuild my world without the person whom it used to revolve around. I’ve tried to save myself from the depths of depression and self-pity, and when I couldn’t do that, I turned to God for help. I don’t know exactly what I gained, or how much I lost. Maybe someday it will be all clear to me… then again, maybe not..

Sometimes when we look at it…life is really simple… we’re always doing the things that people expect us to do…go to school…get back home…look at life as if it seems interesting…then fall in love…swoon…then cry and blame ourselves when it’s over.  When you look at it…does it seem really fair that while other people get all that they want in life… others live to just dream about it.   Life…a one-syllabic word meaning existence…or verve…the whole entity of what a human being believes in.  Now…there was a time when life was simple…that was when we were still kids…a wounded knee would make us cry…but recovering and being able to play again is one of the best things we can get.  Going to mommy and having her take care of you is the main assurance that we needed to make us feel loved.  Nowadays…a wounded heart is hard to recover from…the hurt…the pain…the memories long forgotten of how he made you laugh…of how he held you in his arms…of how happy you used to be…the good times…and the bad. Even though you tell yourself a hundred times that you won’t ever fall inlove again…you wake up and boom…there’s that feeling of tingling in your toes…of butterflies in your stomach…of birds singing in your ear…telling you…Damn! You’re in loved again…Sigh!!! The pains and joys of life…and though most of us would like to feel these rush of emotions when we fall in love…all of us don’t like the feeling of falling out of love or worst being the one left in a relationship…the feeling of being alone…the dread of silence…the songs that would make us cry…I’ve discovered lately that my being sad all time relies on the fact that when I’m alone…I spend the night listening to mushy love songs that would make me think of my past relationships that obviously didn’t work…a song would trigger a memory and it seems that its meaning would be perfect for what I was feeling…from the mushy lyrics of "rush" to the 80s sounding of "sorry doesn’t make it anymore"…its pathetic to feel the hurt and the flood of memories even when it’s totally over…imagine…whenever I hear the song "say it"…memories of my 1st real boyfriend would came rushing to me…and I’d miss him (oopss…he might read this in friendster)…even though he was a total jerk and thank goodness I got to my senses and broke up with him…My point is…no matter how many years you have forgotten about somebody…when you hear a song…boom…blag…kabam…it all comes back…And that my fellow heartbroken people is the reason why most of us feel sad all the time. But then the world doesn’t revolve around you, though we all wish that one day when we’re hurt, the whole world would stop and mourn with us…but it doesn’t…life still goes on and as hard as it might be…we have to pick up our broken selves painfully one by one and get going…

i am so frustrated…i cannot post my pictures in my friendster…so whether you like it or not…m posting it here…after i went all the trouble to scan this pic (i actually asked my mom to buy that all-in-one printer where you can scan and print pictures) so there…m posting it now…to start of…m starting with me as a 8-month old baby….

as you can see…can’t even stand on the sofa without leaning backwards…and look at that toothless smile…so cute…

me and my cousin’s at the rest house in tanay…no…sadly…as i may wish to be as rich as him…we’re not relatives of former pres.estrada…

me and my obnoxious brother…but he is mostly good at times…

next would be my graduation pic in college… as you see i jumped…coz i dodn’t have anymore horrendous pictures of my childhood

me and my best buddy janice just posing for fun

me after not sleeping for 24hrs straight…

me and my boyfriend

lastly…me just hours ago finally home from greenhills…

Lady: Why do you like me..? Why do you love me?
Man: I can’t tell the reason.. but I really like you..
Lady: You can’t even tell me the reason…,How
can you say you like me? How can you say you love me?
Man: I really don’t know the reason,but I can
prove that I love you.
Lady: Proof? No! I want you to tell me the
reason.My friend’s boyfriend can tell her why he
loves her but not you!
Man: Ok ok!!! Erm… because you’re
beautiful,because your voice is sweet,because you
are caring,because you are loving,because you are
thoughtful,because of your smile,because of your
every movements..

Unfortunately, a few days later, the Lady met
with an accident and became avegetable.The Guy
then placed a letter by her side, and here is the
content:

Dearest,

Because of your sweet voice that I love you…
Now can you talk? No!Therefore I cannot love
you.Because of your care and concern that I like
you.. Now that you cannot show them, therefore I
cannot love you. Because of your smile, because
of your every movements that I love you..Now can
you smile? Now can you move?No, therefore I
cannot love you…If love needs a reason, like
now, there is no reason for me to love you
anymore.But does love need a reason?I still love
you… Because love doesn’t need one…

I’m 50% filipina, i’m chinita so i think i’m adopted but my parents say so otherwise. i’m 25% caffeine…i love starbucks hazelnut caramel mocha + oreo cheesecake, jack’s loft’s brewed coffee + decadent cake, kooky and liscious’ coffee + chocolate-dipped strawberries. i love going to coffee shops, chillin’ out…having long late- night coffee talks with ppl close to me. I’m 15% alcohol…i love drinking absolut kurant-7, shots of jose cuervo tequila, frozen margaritas and san mig strong ice (i’m a down ass chick too, y’know I’m 10% chocolate…i love hershey’s cookies and cream kisses, chunky kitkat, Crispy M&M’s that comes in cute blue wrapping (my bf gave me one of these and ferrero rocher hazelnut chocolate that comes in little heart-shaped containers…best when given by somebody and Max Benner’s chiapas and maragnan…form of liquor din ba? a definite must-try!:) i love going out and having fun…i like to dance and party and drinking ’til you drop…and discover new places,i love boracay, the white sand, the people, the bikinis i love the feel of the sun in the skin, the blue skies and the clear waters…banana boat and scuba diving partying all night in Summerplace and Cocomangas…i’m into yoga and badminton right now…to get in shape i love simple things like, waking up in bed with the person you love, being kissed on the forehead, i love my pomeranian dog hammer..he’s my baby i absolutely adore playing with kids and the joy of seeing them learn things you taught them (for special children since i’m an occupational therapist), i love cooking especially for my honey, even if it makes him gag!:) i love spending time with him, cuddling and kissing and i recently got the hang of driving my car, and i love my car!so i love going to places, only if i’m with somebody, they don’t trust me enough to drive on my own  coz i often have road rage…as my friend christy said "jaja transforms into another jaja when she drives" it’s like being dr.jekyll and mr hyde Over-all, i’m easy going, not mataray (promise!) and 100% pure fun

and this is my boyfriend:

he thinks im beautiful even when im not in my best.. stares at me like he can see right through my soul.. holds my hand while he drives.. thinks its cute when i laugh.. loves the sound of my voice.. thinks im sexy even though i dont have buff arms, flat abs and perfectly sculptured legs.. smells my hair.. makes me feel secure.. makes me feel like im the prettiest girl whenever he looks at me.. stays beside me whenever we’re in a crowd.. patiently waits for me during my long bathroom habits.. is never late.. always insists on carrying my bag.. is full of surprises.. is mysterious..in a sexy kind of way.. whispers gently to my ear just to be close to my face.. respects my independence.. and is someone smart, funny and deep… 

yesterday was the 1st time ever in my life that i got apprehended by a policeman while driving…(not to count of course the time when i acted nasty with another policeman when he apprehended my brother and he like recited the miranda law…the speech that goes like "you have the right to remain silent…yada yada yada" but the policeman who said that to me went like "you have the right to remain SILENCE…" alright!?) oh well…back to yesterday…it’s only here in the philippines whre you can see policemen doing that…i was apprehended because i turned right when the traffic light was red and the policeman said that it was reckless driving…BUT as i remembered there was a sign there that said "Turn right with care anytime" so as i was saying, the police made me stop and explained those things to me and was about to give me a ticket. He asked for my license and registration and told me that they weren’t gonna confiscate my license but i have to pay for the fine  in any metrobank office AFTER 5 days…so i like told him "after 5 days pa?hindi  ba pwede ngayon? (referring to the bank, if i could pay today and not wait for 5days) and he asked "ngayon?gusto mo na magbayad ngayon?" and i said "oo, ngayon na." (still referring to the bank of course) and he said "sige, tatlo kami dito. ikaw na lang bahala…" What the???!!! of course he was referring to himself and the other policemen who accepts "lagay" oh my God…i can’t stop laughing after that…that only happens here…so…being the good citizen that i am and of course not wanting to have a record with LTO, i gave them 300bucks and drove away still laughing about my experience.

as always…m so busy with my non-existent busy life…that i keep myself busy by thinking i am busy…hehe!weird! oh well…my mom’s gonna be home today…yep…as in like 5 this afternoon, her plane will land at the airport.sigh…so…no more gimmicks (as if i go all the time..) late night coffee breaks…sigh and of course lesser time to spend with my honey…sigh…i’m a prisoner again…  

but life’s like that…so i think everything’s gonna be ok and besides m gonna get my havaianas from my mom… can you believe that it only costs about 700 bucks there? while here it costs about a thousand!

oh well…thats about it now… still missing my honey… 

hi! :)sorry…parang pagdating ko dito sa manila i still had a hard time doing what i used to do…parang i had too much of a vacay that i need a vacation from it…hehe!!! i was so tired…oh well… i guess i have to make kwento everything right? ok then…

last april 13, we boarded the superferry our lady of medjugorje..around 11:30am and late na daw kami coz the ship is about to leave in an hour…hello?pano naman naging late yon noh? oh well…i wasnt able to sleep soundly on the ship kasi malalaki yung waves saka we were practically tilting…so me a nd christy, we just sat outside and alternately looked at the sea and the place where they put the lifevests…just in case we have to jump off…hehe!!!

the next morning (April 14)…about 6am we got to dumaguit, aklan…it’s still about 2hrs away from boracay…so we rode a van and i got to cacth up on my sleep and i woke up when we were in caticlan na…where the jetty port (small motor boats) for boracay were.tapos after 20mins of open water again….you’d see the clear waters and white powdery sand of boracay…yehey!finally we were there…so yung 1st day namin, we were just three coz the rest of our friends took the ro-ro (it’s like riding a bus first then the bus rides the ship then the ship first goes to roxas then kalibo then to caticlan), it’s a hectic ride and we don’t wanna experience that…so we went ahead. so what we did when we got there was to fix our stuffs…tapos changed into swimsuits and of course…we swam…sarap…parang i was letting the waves take all my stresses away…after 30mins…nainitan na kami…we just sat there sa shore…and i got to talk to sonny.. tapos we went back to the rest house and felt the call of the bed and the aircon…hehe!!!we stayed there till about 1pm then we felt hungry na…so we went out and ate at this seafood restaurand na ang sarap coz there were big servings then after that…we went home again and watched tv and then decided we wanted to have shake…i got watermelon …sarap…grabe it was refresing…

then afterwards…tv and yosi again then nung night na…we went to pier 1 to have a pitcher of margarita…na hindi naman kami nalasing… but we were able to sleep soundly…

so the next morning (april 15) about 10am we woke up and  we went out for a swim again and waited for our friends…i forgot where we ate lunch but iknow for sure we did…maybe we just ate tuna and bread…oh well…so, about 5pm, our friends got there and we had shake again and we went out for dinner at Gastof na 10 years yung service…grabe it’s like we waited for an hour for our food then tapos na kaming kumain saka pa lang dumating yung food nung isa naming friend…di naman ganon karami yung kmakain…i guess they were understaffed…

we also got a glimmer tattoo then after that we went again to pier 1 and had tequila and beer and it rained…grabe! so there, we got wet then we went home afterwards…

The next day (april 16) monthsary namin ni sonny…were together to 13mos na…and i miss him sobra…tapos he didn’t went to work kasi he was sad daw…awww… oh well… today, we went island hopping…we went to crocodile island na ang galing coz, from afar the island is shaped like a crocodile…we went snokeling there…at na-sea sick ako , so i went up agad…but i saw 2 clown fish and the dory (from finding nemo) look-a-like…and dami…and it was so beautiful. then afterwards we went to puka shell beach…it’s still in boracay island but it’s like the southern tip na ata. we ate lunch there…matagal din pero worth it…sarap as usual…then afterwards we went for a swim then we went to the bat cave na madilim lang and we were scared to go in…baka maging batman kami paglabas namin…then we went home, the whole island hopping took 5 hours…we extended ng 1hour…went home…ate at home…and slept

then the next morning (april 17) we woke up early to go shopping…and we spent like 6hrs just walking ang walking and looking for bargains…hehe!!! i bought a shirt for sonny which say "someone who loves me went to boracay and got me this shirt" i was so tired when we got back that i plopped on the bed and slept…that night we went out and had 3 shots of tequila and beer and it rained again…e super lasing na kami, we ran to the house and continued drinking there…ayon…super drunk…i woke up 11am the next morning

april 18, we went to ride a paraw…it’s a small boat with sails and you just have to ride on it’s side where there is a wood with net…then mag-sasail yung boat…sarap sobra…super calming… then we had a bonfire that night…nice nga e coz we were allowed to do so, kasi inside the property naman…we lived kasi in the elizalde place again…kaya sosyalan kami….

april 19, we went to ride the banana boat…tapos pinipilit namin na matumba yung banana boat kasi the last time we did that natumba kami and it was fun…we did it 2x…yung isa naming friend was so scared, she was shouting na " nay, patawarin nyo ako!!!" tawa lang kami ng tawa… after that, we went back about 3pm…the banana boat took 15mins…then swam tapos had mongolian for dinner and took pictures of the sand castles that the locals made.

april 20…our last day, some of my other friends still went shopping, i stayed..me, janice and olga and had a massage…ok lang coz it was raining din naman…sila nabasa ng rain…kami narelax…tapos about 2pm, we left na and rode again the motor boats and said goodbye to bora… 3:50 yung flight back here to manila, then after an hour i was back to the traffic jams…pollution…and the hustle of manila…but it was fun…i just realized too, i’m so nognog…but sonny said he still loves me…tapos m glad to be back because i miss sonny so much na din… so yon…that’s what happened…haba noh?sorry…