DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?
During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question.
She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?"
I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I
said, "It depends. Is that your husband?"
In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"
Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it’s
weighing on your mind.
Here’s the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love
with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch,
and liked their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your spouse
wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous
experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s
called "falling" in love… because it’s happening TO YOU. People in
love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the
imagery of that ___expression. It implies that you were just
standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and
happened TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. It’s a passive and spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades.
It’s the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely,
phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not
always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies,
instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you
think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference
between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or
even angry subsequent stage. At this point, you and/or your spouse
might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and
your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you
may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when
marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness
and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity
is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a
hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the
answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies
within it. I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with
someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But
you’d be in the same situation a few years later.
Because (listen carefully to this):
THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON;
IT’S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND. SUSTAINING love is not a
passive or spontaneous experience. It’ll NEVER just happen to you.
You can’t "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day
out. That’s why we have the ___expression "the labor of love."
Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly,
it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage
work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific
things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your
marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as
gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right
diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain
habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a
direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results
are predictable… you can "make" love. Love in marriage is indeed
a "decision"… not just a feeling.
